The Trust Fall

Do you remember, during one of those team building times at school or work or summer camp or what have you, doing the obligatory trust fall exercise? Raise your hand (and possibly insert eye roll) if you do! If you don't, this is an exercise where you have a small group of people and you each take a turn falling backwards (usually from a chair or table or platform of some sort) into the hands/arms of the other group members trusting that they will catch you. Well, I certainly feel like my life is a giant trust fall right now! You got your pandemic, your step out on a limb with a new business/new identity, your starting a new training not knowing how it will fit exactly but knowing that it feels right, your civil rights movement coming to the surface in a different way than before etc. etc. Enter liminal space.

I heard the term "liminal space" for the first time the other day and I knew I needed to learn more about it. Liminal comes from the Latin root 'limen' meaning 'threshold.' The liminal space is the space of crossing over. It is the space where you have left something behind yet you're not fully somewhere new. It is where transformation takes place. According to Franciscan Richard Rohr, "Liminal space is an inner state and sometimes an outer situation where we can begin to think and act in new ways. It is where we are betwixt and between, having left one room or stage of life but not yet entered the next. We usually enter liminal space when our former way of being is challenged or changed—perhaps when we lose a job or a loved one, during illness, at the birth of a child, or a major relocation. It is a graced time, but often does not feel 'graced' in any way. In such space, we are not certain or in control. "

With leaving my previous life behind last year by leaving my job and not having another one lined up (or even an idea of what I may do next), I put myself in this liminal space (and actually refer to it as my mid-life pause). In addition to the description above, this space asks us to be patient, to allow, to trust, to be okay with not moving. For an extreme planner (and, let's face it, at times a control freak!) this space can feel very uncomfortable. We are all currently in a liminal space due to the pandemic and many of us have moments of feeling uncomfortable with the not knowing.

One of the things I do as a coach is to ask thoughtful questions. Through coaching and self-coaching alike, I've been asked plenty of questions about the liminal spaces that I'm in and the one that we are all in. I don't profess to know the answers to all (or any) of these questions. What to do? What to do? Well, I have a suggestion: perhaps instead of continual searching for the answers, maybe we learn how to become comfortable with the questions themselves.

I take huge comfort in the words from poet Rainer Maria Rilke. He suggests that we live the questions rather than having the answers. "Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." Mic drop!

I love coaching because by asking questions of the client, we can help them through their liminal space, stretching them toward growth and to the next step of their journey. Perhaps they won't even realize it, but planting the seed with asking a question may someday have an impact on someone and help them to live their way into the answer. Wow. I love this concept! I love thinking that I am helping people live their questions in whatever liminal space they may be in. I love that I get to be a witness to that and be their guide (behind the scenes) along the journey.

The transitional moments that exist within liminality are where authentic transformation can happen. These moments, this space, can sometimes be hard to sit with. It asks things of you and can be uncomfortable. But, according to Rohr, without them, we won't be able to see beyond ourselves to the broader and more inclusive world that lies before us. In other words, it's worth it folks!

So let's take that trust fall! Let's live those questions! Embrace this liminality that we are all living. No one said it is easy but I believe that it will be worth it! Who's with me?! :-)

*Credit to Lou Redmond for his inspiration for this post

It took a pandemic but I finally ________! (fill in the blank)

Last Sunday was the one year anniversary of me beginning my mid-life pause. One year ago was my last day of work at my 19+ year career with the same employer. I grew up there. I was challenged there. I did meaningful (to me) work in a very meaningful and necessary field. I met lifelong friends there. When you work somewhere for that long, you definitely reach plateaus. Comfort zones of sorts. And, hopefully, you are given or find chances along the way to grow and stretch and try things that are out of your comfort zone. I was fortunate enough to have those different opportunities along the way. But, even though I experienced growth and times that I was outside of my comfort zone, by staying with the same company/industry, I never left the comfort zone of that.

When I began my pause, I didn't know what I wanted to embark upon next. I just knew that I needed some rest and that I would be creating Ali 2.0 - the updated version of myself :-) So, I rested. And I visited with people and slept in and went to workout class in the middle of the day (say what?!) and had lots of lunches and drove my kids to and from school and was around when my teenagers were around so as to be available should they get to a point that they needed parental connection (spoiler alert - they WILL get to this point if you stick around long enough being present in their background!). I was able to have so many of the experiences that I had LONGED to have when I was a working mom. Then, in October of 2019, I started training to become a Life Coach. I wasn't ready to say that I was going to actually become a Life Coach at that time, but I knew that the training would be helpful to me personally and may also be helpful on a professional level in the future.

January of 2020 rolled around and I decided that it was time to start looking for a job more seriously. I ended up getting something lined up at another software company and was planning to start that job in early April. However, COVID-19 had other plans. Once business traveling came to a screeching halt, my pseudo offer was on hold indefinitely. Then a light bulb went off in my head (after freaking out about ALL of the other things pandemic related): why wouldn't I at least TRY giving this Life Coaching thing a go? I had been training for it this whole time and we were at the point in our training when we could start to see clients. So, lo and behold, here I am seeing clients and finishing up my training almost exactly a year from my last day at my previous job!

It took a pandemic, but I finally...

...embarked on a new career and path for my life. Ali 2.0 is officially in the house!! I'm so excited for this ride y'all!! (bike pic from my gorgeous ride the other day)

How do you want to finish this sentence? What's getting in your way?

Solitude

Solitude. I am craving it right now. I think this is because I'm in a stage of transition and unknowing. When I'm alone, I get to think and not know. It is here where I remember that the unknowing is okay. I am a planner (surprise surprise!) so this not knowing and not having a super practical plan (by my past standards) is not something I'm very familiar/comfortable with. I have a mug I bought last summer during my month in Seattle with the boys that says, "Great things never came from comfort zones." I'm out of my comfort zone, growing and stretching and getting ready for the next great thing!

During my mid-life pause, it is very important to me to take advantage of my time. Such a gift it is! I'm not taking it for granted! So I took the time on a gorgeous morning yesterday to head out on my bike. I've rode these trails at all different seasons in my life starting in high school. I've always found comfort in riding and fell in love with the trails that were down the street from our home in Seattle as well. (Riding along the shores of Lake Washington in the light of a cool, crisp morning is second to none!) Yesterday, however, I decided to go on a different trail. One I haven't spent time on before - not worried about getting lost. I feel lost at so many other spots in my life all too often - being a parent, wife, sister, daughter, friend, business woman. This morning I will have a map to help me find my way back should I get too lost. But the other times I feel lost - no map. It is in those times that I turn to reading, meditation, talking, hiking, riding my bike alone, exploring France on foot, taking a solo trip to Europe (what?!). I will find my new path eventually but this one is pretty great too and I'm enjoying the scenery along the way! #midlifepause

p.s. Find out more about my mid-life pause here :)

Midlife Pause - a definition

def: Mid-life Pause (noun mid-lahyf pawz)
1. a temporary stop or rest from career around 40-50 years of age to reflect on where one has been, where they appear to be headed and to make any necessary changes surrounding their findings.
Ali is taking a mid-life pause and is thoroughly enjoying it.

Nothing like a 7 year hiatus from blogging (is this even still a thing any longer??) :)

So, a lot has happened in these past 7 years and I'm feeling the desire to start writing again. I've so enjoyed reading over what I have written in the past on here and on my previous blog from when we lived in Seattle, that I thought this would be the perfect place to add to again.

My biggest news is that I left my job of 19 years back at the end of June - without another job lined up. On one hand this was a super tough decision and on the other hand it was a no brainer. It is one of the scarier things I have done in my adult life. There were many reasons that contributed to this decision but they mainly had to do with my personal life at that moment.

As a working mom, I had made the decision every summer of my kids' lives to choose work over spending the summer with them. This would break my heart at the beginning of each summer and it would take me a good 4-5 weeks to feel like my heart was somewhat put back together again. This summer was no exception. This time I also had the added sadness with our youngest graduating from 6th grade/elementary school. With him still being there, we still had one foot in the sweetness/innocence that is elementary school and I had witnessed firsthand with our oldest what can happen to them during the middle school age/phase and it wasn't super pretty! I was mourning the loss of the innocence as well a the fact that here I was yet again choosing work over summer with the kids (who, frankly, aren't really into spending that fun kind of time with Mom any longer). Couple that with some other events that happened at home (not to mention how things were shifting at work and my longing for exploring other paths in my career) and I was 85% sure I was going to leave my job - unsure of what to do next but needing to take some time off.

One day during this time, a member of one of my teams paid me a visit in my office. Having just returned from maternity leave several weeks before, she explained that she had decided to resign as it was just too hard to be away from her new bundle of awesomeness that is her baby! Much to my surprise, I immediately started crying! I apologized to her saying that I had no idea where these tears were coming from and that if anyone was crying in my office, it was usually the people sitting in her chair, not me! I remembered so well sitting where she was sitting after my first baby and making a different decision and how difficult that was. It as like I had to make the decision over again every day. Some days were easier than others to make that call. I was so proud of her for making the difficult decision that was right for her and her family at this time. Once she left my office (I'm convinced she thinks I'm a crazy woman!), it all became clear to me. I needed to go home and be with my babies! Leaving at the end of June would still give me some time to be with them during the summer even if I was just houseplant parenting (a term I recently saw Glennon Doyle use to describe parenting her teenage son - being present like a houseplant but not really offering many lectures etc. any longer but there if he needed her).

With 6 weeks left of summer and my husband taking a pause from career as well, I felt we had to take full advantage of this time together so we added a second summer trip to the list - Zion and Bryce Canyons in Utah with a couple of days in Vegas baby! It was amazing and we got to do some great hiking and spend some quality time together. We were back home for two days and then headed out on our original trip to Costa Rica for 9 days. This was our first trip out of the country with the boys so it was neat to see them in a different culture hearing a different language all around us.

Now, let's be real, these trips weren't all rainbows and unicorns and I am convinced that the only reason we made it back as one family unit was that we all took our Green Compass CBD oil every day of those trips! (Traveling with teens who don't want to be traveling is hard work!) :( Regardless, I am so happy for the experiences and despite the teenagers, I had a great time! I feel like I had a good balance of time to think and to have adventures.

Here I am back from those travels and now we are into the school year. My mid-life pause continues and I'm finding out all sorts of things along the way!

Pic of me in Costa Rica at our fabulous bungalow in Tamarindo. This was my daily meditation spot - swoon!!

#midlifepause

Extreme Planner at 7

Brayden woke me last Saturday saying that he was going to have a Video Game Club and that he wanted 4 other boys in it and they would be meeting today. I gently informed him that we had plans today and likely the other boys did too but that I would see if they could come over on Monday for a meeting. 3 of the 4 were available. Some time ago Brayden had drawn some storyboards for a video game that he is designing (he wants to be a video game designer when he grows up) called Lizard Hunter. In this meeting they will continue the design of that getting input from all of the team members. He had a whole agenda for their meeting - play DS for 10-20 mins, do an activity that he worked on with Brian to get down on paper for each of them to draw, and then help out with ideas for the Lizard Hunter. He had the loft all arranged with places for each of them to sit for the meeting. It was cozy! The boys came over and all had a blast however I'm not sure how much they helped out with the continuing design of Lizard Hunter. I have no idea where he gets these planner tendencies... ;-)

Sweet wonder!

Last week when the boys went bowling with the nanny Bennett told me that there was a boy there about his age in a wheelchair. He said, "Momma, they made it fun for him because they gave him this little slide to let him roll the ball down so that he could still bowl! They made it fun for him!"

i am the lorax and i speak for the trees

as some of you may know (all 2 of you that read this!) ;-) our brayden is one sensitive fellow. he feels his feelings deeply (as i say to people when describing him). well a year and a half or so ago we chopped down a tree in our front yard. it was dying/dead and wasn't gonna make it. we made the mistake of not warning/telling the children prior to the tree cutters showing up to do their job. it was during a weekday when the kids were home with the sitter. it would be an understatement to say that this DEEPLY affected brayden. he was very sad to see the tree go and didn't understand why we couldn't just water it to make it better.

fast forward to last saturday and we still have the stump in our yard (i know i know, we are ALL kinds of lazy about that. it costs all of $35 to get rid of it but whatever).

so saturday we were starting to think about seeding the yard for the spring (albeit a tad late) and brian decides that we need to go ahead and remove the stump so as to make way for a beautiful carpet of lovely grass.

he makes THE CALL.

stump then scheduled to be removed sunday.

somehow brayden gets wind of this and immediately goes to work. he starts pulling everything (that is easy to move) out of our garage to place it on said stump in an attempt to make it so the stump man cannot do his work. once he gets his pile in place, he marches around it guarding it dutifully. he is not planning on leaving his post and will sleep there if he has to.

(notice how he put the chair in the very middle on top of the actual stump so he could sit in it and take breaks from his guard. he ain't no dummy.)

later in the evening as it was time to clean up for bed, he and daddy moved all of the items back in the garage and he came up to prepare for bed. just before we got jammies on i asked if the boys wanted to go tell the stump goodbye because i didn't know when the stump man would be by and it may be when we aren't paying attention. brayden (of course) wanted to go and even bennett who has been down with fever for like 5 days nodded that he wanted to go too. we tromp downstairs and outside to the stump. i have them all put their hands on it and say something like, "thank you stump. thank you for providing such a wonderful tree for us and others all these years. we are sorry that we didn't get to tell the upper part of you goodbye but we wanted to make sure and tell you goodbye." i think a few other things were said on my part and then i turned to brayden and bennett and asked if they wanted to say anything. bennett - no. brayden - no but he had a huge tear running down his cheek. i hugged him again for like the 50th time over this and explained that it was time to let the stump go. he just sat down on it and said he wasn't moving. about that time brian walks up and i looked at him and said (out of earshot of brayden), "we may want to reconsider doing this right now." bennett and i went in and brian went over to talk to brayden. a few minutes later brayden came running in saying, "guess what?! guess what?! daddy said that we'll leave the stump there! they aren't going to come take it away!" and immediately started crying those uncontrollable happy tears of relief. wow.

the next evening i found daddy and brayden out in the front yard practicing batting. brayden was standing on that stump as if it was home plate and was looking mighty happy.